Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Beefs people have with mixed-orientation marriages

A lot of folks in the LGBTQI (for the uninitiated, an attempt at being inclusive of "minority" sexualities, gender identities, and sexual preferences, namely lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersexed folk) community, especially anyone who is remotely politically active, will have a serious beef with this blog, or maybe consider it wholly irrelevant, because:

1) Anonymity implies a sort of "straight privilege" that we get to enjoy
2) Anonymity also would appear to counteract the very worthy cause of having more people feel comfortable in "coming out" to family, friends, and others.
3) Anonymity may imply to some a sort of shame or deviousness associated with the mere "gay identity"
4) This blog can't possibly be all that relevant because gay people can't possibly marry those of the opposite sex!  It must mean they are a little bisexual!

I want to answer each of those questions in this post:

Beef #1 (straight privilege):

REALLY?  You think we fit in just fine in our world?  Not so.  It means being in a sort of limbo:  Seen as unnatural and unfortunate by a lot of folks in the LGBTQI community whenever we disclose anything in confidence, and seen as unconventional or dysfunctional by the semi-to-extremely-homophobic straight community because we don't assume traditional gender roles, whether we disclose anything or not.

I will acknowledge some benefits of staying anonymous, some undeniably "straight privilege."  My wife doesn't get treated like a pariah as much by the more homophobic elements of society.  I'm not seen as less of a man because a lesbian found me to be marriage material, and her obvious preference is women.

Beef #2 ("coming out" should be safe and made safer by the bold and empowered):

I agree, but coming out isn't without consequences, even if you're opposite sex-married.  More importantly, my wife will come out when SHE decides she wants to.  In the meantime, I think people can benefit more from our story than from our silence, and I feel I need the catharsis of self expression.  Deal with it.  Call it weak if you want, but I want to do this.

Beef #3 (the anonymity of this blog means we think it's shameful to be gay):
False.  You may see that I will be more expressive because I'm emboldened to honesty by the relative anonymity of the World Wide Web at large.  I am not ashamed of my wife.  Being gay is part of who she is, not just who she prefers sexually.  In some ways the "queer" identity may make more sense, for the sole reason of getting that very important point across.  I'm proud of who she is, even if it means we have to divorce one day.

Beef #4 (but she HAS to be bisexual):

Um, I won't delve that deeply into our sex life (unfortunate use of figurative language?) or our romantic life, but she is REALLY GAY, so much so that sometimes she feels lonely and is exhilarated by any contact with women in a way that we do not really see possible between each other, at least right now, and it sucks that we haven't been able to experience that same level of intensity.  We both love each other very much, but that doesn't mean we haven't made sacrifices.

Some things to keep in mind as you read:  My wife does not want to be "ungayed."  I don't want her to, either.  I think that would be a horrible tragedy inflicted by an unjust god.  I am deeply offended by the idea that being gay is an illness that can be cured in this life or the next.  I can understand the idea of fluidity in concepts of sexuality, but hell no.

I agree with the Atheists when they argue that if religion isn't pertinent to the here and now, it's not much use, and even harmful (Brace yourself and go here:  From my perspective of LDS theology, I can't believe that what makes us who we are in this life will change much going into the next.


At one point I decided it would be fun to document some cooking projects I did online, and in connection with a really silly series of attempts at dating women in my faith that eventually devolved into paragraphs with subtly misogynist overtones.  Then I watched a lot of Food Network and realized that 1) most of my cooking ideas came from stuff people had already documented exhaustively, and 2) there is not a lot of uniqueness about an angsty, sexually frustrated, LDS male in Utah.

I gave up on what people call the "blogosphere" because I didn't have something unique enough to offer in a meta-world consisting mostly of pre-digested information (piles and piles of digital poopies).

Then life happened.  I had some fun educational experiences in faraway places and had some very uniquely hilarious relationship experiences.  I got a salaried job.  I met somebody I really, really liked.  I didn't just fall in love with her, or become infatuated.  As a person she was both fascinating and irresistible.

I wish I could give more specific details about how we eventually married, but this is an anonymous blog, and those details are so well known, it would cease to be anonymous once that happened.

All that said, this is a blog about a straight man in a mixed-orientation marriage, that is, my wife is gay.  I knew it almost a year before we were married, and she was open about it from the start.  We're members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ("Mormons" or "LDS" for short).

Why did we get married?  Are we na├»ve?  Was one of us horny and the other one just seeking to satisfy an obligation she felt to God?  That's what we hear a lot about people in mixed-orientation marriages (hereafter "MOMs").  The assumptions don't even begin to describe our experience.

I think this blog is going to be extremely unique and PACKED with drama.  I hope it will also shed some light on some not-so-obvious parts of life for people who would identify as LGBTQI or those close to them.  Enjoy.