Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Beefs people have with mixed-orientation marriages

A lot of folks in the LGBTQI (for the uninitiated, an attempt at being inclusive of "minority" sexualities, gender identities, and sexual preferences, namely lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersexed folk) community, especially anyone who is remotely politically active, will have a serious beef with this blog, or maybe consider it wholly irrelevant, because:

1) Anonymity implies a sort of "straight privilege" that we get to enjoy
2) Anonymity also would appear to counteract the very worthy cause of having more people feel comfortable in "coming out" to family, friends, and others.
3) Anonymity may imply to some a sort of shame or deviousness associated with the mere "gay identity"
4) This blog can't possibly be all that relevant because gay people can't possibly marry those of the opposite sex!  It must mean they are a little bisexual!

I want to answer each of those questions in this post:

Beef #1 (straight privilege):

REALLY?  You think we fit in just fine in our world?  Not so.  It means being in a sort of limbo:  Seen as unnatural and unfortunate by a lot of folks in the LGBTQI community whenever we disclose anything in confidence, and seen as unconventional or dysfunctional by the semi-to-extremely-homophobic straight community because we don't assume traditional gender roles, whether we disclose anything or not.

I will acknowledge some benefits of staying anonymous, some undeniably "straight privilege."  My wife doesn't get treated like a pariah as much by the more homophobic elements of society.  I'm not seen as less of a man because a lesbian found me to be marriage material, and her obvious preference is women.

Beef #2 ("coming out" should be safe and made safer by the bold and empowered):

I agree, but coming out isn't without consequences, even if you're opposite sex-married.  More importantly, my wife will come out when SHE decides she wants to.  In the meantime, I think people can benefit more from our story than from our silence, and I feel I need the catharsis of self expression.  Deal with it.  Call it weak if you want, but I want to do this.

Beef #3 (the anonymity of this blog means we think it's shameful to be gay):
False.  You may see that I will be more expressive because I'm emboldened to honesty by the relative anonymity of the World Wide Web at large.  I am not ashamed of my wife.  Being gay is part of who she is, not just who she prefers sexually.  In some ways the "queer" identity may make more sense, for the sole reason of getting that very important point across.  I'm proud of who she is, even if it means we have to divorce one day.

Beef #4 (but she HAS to be bisexual):

Um, I won't delve that deeply into our sex life (unfortunate use of figurative language?) or our romantic life, but she is REALLY GAY, so much so that sometimes she feels lonely and is exhilarated by any contact with women in a way that we do not really see possible between each other, at least right now, and it sucks that we haven't been able to experience that same level of intensity.  We both love each other very much, but that doesn't mean we haven't made sacrifices.

Some things to keep in mind as you read:  My wife does not want to be "ungayed."  I don't want her to, either.  I think that would be a horrible tragedy inflicted by an unjust god.  I am deeply offended by the idea that being gay is an illness that can be cured in this life or the next.  I can understand the idea of fluidity in concepts of sexuality, but hell no.

I agree with the Atheists when they argue that if religion isn't pertinent to the here and now, it's not much use, and even harmful (Brace yourself and go here:  From my perspective of LDS theology, I can't believe that what makes us who we are in this life will change much going into the next.

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